Not a Resolution

I have started a 365-day challenge to write at least 300 a day. Yesterday was great! I put it off most of the day, but I wrote 312 words mostly about what I did for New Year’s Eve. Not much incase you were wondering. I was alone and went to bed early, but that was by choice.

Today’s writing prompt is about resolutions – those empty promises we make to ourselves that are usually broken or forgotten by Easter, but I don’t want to talk about those today.

Today, I want to talk about wearing masks to hide the fear. I want to talk about smiling and laughing when all I really want to do is crawl into a dark corner and hide and cry because I don’t know what the future holds. If this were anxiety, I would wrap that bitch up in a blanket, put her in my pocket and take her dancing. Because my anxiety shrinks when the endorphins kick in when I am with friends. My anxiety laughs with and at me when I make a mistake, and I have learned to calm her the fuck down most of the time.

But this is not anxiety. this is something else.

This is knowing that that my body is not well, but not knowing why my body is not well. This is my body rebelling against me as though I were the Empire and it was Rebel Scum. This is unexplained fevers and unexplained bruising and leaking and oozing and discharging without explanations.

This is rapid heart rate and high blood pressure from the worry and stress and strain my body has been going through these last few months while wearing a smile and having surface conversations with everyone around me. Because This is gross that no one wants to know about it.

No, this is not anxiety. This is fear that has festered because answers have not been given because I am a woman but I apparently don’t know my own body – I mean I’ve only lived in for 39 years.

So, I don’t want to talk about resolutions and good intentions, I want to talk about SOLUTIONS and choice. I will choose to have a positive outlook no matter the outcome. I will choose to love myself no matter how myself may change physically. I will choose to fight for solutions because I deserve answers, especially because I am a woman, and I will choose not to be afraid in silence any longer.

There cannot be courage without fear. So, I choose courage in the face of adversity not as a mask of self-defense as I have done in the past but as a badge on my sleeve to show that even though I was afraid, I faced it anyway.

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