Goodbye: A Beginning

Goodbye: A Beginning

I’ve written this letter a thousand times
     In my head and
Then I worked on writing a thousand more
     In the silent dark of my commute
     Surrounded by melodic memories
     as I spoke the words unheard.
Now, I have finally not put pen to paper.
     Tear stains sound romantic but
     All they do is blur the message, so
I begin to type what I could not say loud enough
     For you to hear
     For you to understand
     For you to no longer ignore

I wanted to say this two years ago
     But I couldn’t admit it to myself
     How could I admit it to you
Six months went by and I was resolved to recognize
     A deeper need for you
     That begged to be named
     “More than Friend”
One week later was too long.
     I lost you before I ever had you
     It’s a secret. I’ll keep it safe
     for you, for now, ignore the ache
Four months went by so fast
     Here’s my chance but
     The words are daggers, so
     I keep them hidden in the luggage.
     Why ruin a perfectly good trip.

A short visit after three months gone
     “Hello” and hug and “How are you?”
     How can I tell you now?
     Your attention is divided and distracted
A short visit after another six months
     Your attention is still divided, but
     Here’s a gift. “Please don’t forget me”
     I whisper from my heart as I look back with false hope
A short visit five months after that
     Cancelled

I would have told you then,
     But I think you already know
     You have known, maybe longer than I have
It does not matter now because
     I can have conversations about you
     Without crying for hours but
     I cannot bear the thought of you
I could not keep you happy and entertained
     Not anymore
I was only ever an afterthought to you
     But you became much more to me

I do not mourn the loss
     Of a love I never had
     Instead I mourn the friend
     I wanted you to be
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