A Realization



Flying? I feel the wind against my cheeks gently slapping me across the face

Not flying but falling not gently but out of control faster and I cannot catch my breath I cannot see what is coming

Not falling through space..falling through time that never stays in the same place… That never slows or allows me to catch up

But runs ever faster farther away from my grasp the harder I try to hold it the more the edges crumble away and laugh as I stumble over them

Not falling but drowning … Stuck between the worlds of life and expectations…reality and protocol protected paperwork that cuts me when I look at it but promises to keep to me safe while it slowly chokes me

Drowning in responsibility with no confidence in the directives or directors dictators who have never served their shift to triage the next generation of minds that expect me to think for them while they complain about not getting the cookie they want and it’s my fault because I’m drowning and I didn’t breathe for them

Drowning through the day smiling because what else can I do? My cries are washed away on the tide like a bottle whose brittle message crumbled to dust while it waited for someone to find it

Drowning …drowning…drowning in lost dreams and shattered hopes and broken misrepresentations that let me see behind the mask but not who pulls the strings of curtains as they open on a production and I take center stage in a show I rehearsed a million times but today I have to sing it backwards in a language that doesn’t exist

Waking to the deafening sounds of helplessness and grey skies of doubt and practiced smiles…bruising easily hidden behind platitudes and preferred conversations


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