Well, I’ve written my 500 words for today (not this post). It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. I just started writing and a story began to emerge. It’s one that I want to develop further, so I’m not publishing it here. I hope I can find it again tomorrow. Anyway, once I get in the habit of writing 500 words per day, I will push myself to write 1,000 words a day. Here’s hoping!
I’m sitting in a little café and I wish I knew how to play an instrument or compose a song. Sometimes there are no words that adequately express what I am feeling, only the emotion connected to music.
But I digress. Today has been all about reflection.
I feel like there’s this piece
of me that is longing to break f r e e ,
but it doesn’t quite know how.
I feel p u l l e d in many directions at once
but none of them (and all of them) are me.
I’m a chameleon,
capable of being many things.
I take a piece of each experience and person that I love
and assimilate it into my being – filed away for future use
Which of those pieces, what of that chaos, is me?
How could anyone possibly know who I am
when i don’t know myself?
Everyone sees a different piece. No two exactly the same.
Maybe that is why I write.
Maybe I am waiting for me.
Maybe I write to bring all the frag me nted pieces of me
I have nothing but time right now, so I wonder. Do others ponder over who they are? It seems to me that by the time people are my age they already know who they are. I feel like I am the only one coasting from place to place and not ever really letting anyone in. I build walls and fences and make myself sad because I am alone through my own design. I am a breathing contradiction – I want everybody and nobody to notice me.
I think being aware of my own limitations and my spectacular self-sabotaging techniques only makes it worse. I can feel myself keeping people at bay but can’t stop myself. It’s like watching a train wreck – horrible but I’m mesmerized.
Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve had enough of this self-reflection for one day. It’s bringing me down. There is a jazz band warming up, and my mood is already lifting. Time for a glass of white wine, painting, and relaxing.